My legs felt tired as soon as I started up the trail. It normally takes a bit to loosen up and feel good, so that wasn’t surprising. On this particular day though, I wasn’t feeling it. Not only did I not loosen up, as the climb continued, I felt more and more tired and (it hardly seemed possible) actually started moving even more slowly. It gradually occurred to me that on the previous day, I may have been a bit light on calories. In fact, on reflection, I hadn’t really eaten much after breakfast. Just wasn’t hungry and we were busy doing stuff. No problem! I told my body, “Body – you’re ‘well marbled’ with a fair bit of reserve fat! Why don’t you just burn some of that instead!” My body thought about that for a moment and then flipped me a double bird, planted a solid hit on the family jewels, gave me an atomic wedgie followed by a swirly, and then danced over my crushed spirit singing, “Na-na-na-boo-boo!” In other words, using a military reference, I was experiencing a MOAB – Mother Of All Bonks! Not the British bonk, but as a Runner’s World article put it, the “sorry stewpot of dehydration, training errors, gastric problems, and nutrition gaffes” that causes either the legs or the brain to call it a day!
One would think that after doing this sort of thing long enough, bonking would be a thing of the past. I’ve found, however, that I never go wrong underestimating my capacity for stupidity. Anyway, I told my body, “You’re not the boss of me!” and kept trudging uphill, moving so slowly that time actually moved backwards. To pass the time I re-worked one of my favorite Dr. Suess stories (my apologies to Suess BTW).
Well… I was hiking up the mountain, and I saw nothing scary. For I have never been afraid of anything. Not very. Then I was high up on the mountain when, suddenly, I spied them. I saw a pair of pale green running shorts with no calories inside them! I wasn’t scared. But, yet, I stopped What could those shorts be there for? What could a pair of running shorts be standing in the air for? And then they moved? Those empty shorts! They kind of started jumping. And then my heart, I must admit, It kind of started thumping. I said, “I do not fear those shorts with no calories inside them.” I said, and said, and said those words. I said them. But I lied them. Then I finally reached the mountain top and the next thing that I knew, I felt my hand touch someone!
Dr. Suess…sort of!
And I’ll bet that you know who. And there I was! High in that awesome place Those spooky, empty shorts and I were standing face to face! I yelled for help. I screamed. I shrieked. I howled. I yowled. I cried, “OH, SAVE ME FROM THESE PALE GREEN SHORTS WITH NO CALORIES INSIDE!”
But then a strange thing happened. Why, those shorts began to cry! Those shorts began to tremble. They were just as tired as I! I never heard such whimpering, so….I put my arm around their waist And sat right down beside them. I calmed them down. Poor empty shorts with no calories inside them.
When I finally trudged to the top of the climb, I sat down and had a serious talk with my body. I promised, in the future, to remember to provide the necessary calories before heading out on a long hike/run. It apologized for the rough treatment it gave me on the way up (although just between you and me – I’m not sure my body was entirely sincere). In any case, we made up and actually had a decent run back down As unpleasant as it was, those kinds of experiences always serve as good reminders that no matter how experienced we may be, it can be the simplest of things that trip us up. Lesson learned. Thank you, body, for that!
